Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
To my student
Dear Student,
I think you are an artist as a young woman. Not "the," but "an." I think that you don't know this yet, and that your friends and your environment haven't demonstrated to you that your artist's mindset is okay. It is okay. It is troublesome, meddlesome, frustrating, pleading, prodding, pushing, and maddening. But it is part of you, and you will have to learn to embrace it.
I think that you will have to struggle for meaning. The quest of religion is to imbue life with meaning, to make it something other than void. Meanings sometimes show themselves in either bold or the most subtle of ways. Other times, we have to create meaning for ourselves. It is too easy to give in, and give up, and to wallow in the utter purposeless-ness of it all. Do not go the easy road. The easy road will make you jaded, cranky, and a curmudgeon before you're middle-aged. The easy road does not make life beautiful.
You are living through a difficult period in your life, to be sure. However, I believe you know that at some point, YOU will have to make the decision to continue in this manner, or to change your conceptual framework. You will, at some point, realize that you need to choose laughter, optimism, catharsis, and beauty. No one can do this for you. No amount of Band-Aid compliments and pats on the back will settle you in a permanent state of loving yourself. Happiness and self-love will only be true, genuine, and lasting when they come from within you. You have to find the cup the overfloweth...
In conclusion, I love you. The meaning I am bestowing upon my life, my difficult years, and my mistakes is that I experienced all of it so that I could help you. Thank you.
I think you are an artist as a young woman. Not "the," but "an." I think that you don't know this yet, and that your friends and your environment haven't demonstrated to you that your artist's mindset is okay. It is okay. It is troublesome, meddlesome, frustrating, pleading, prodding, pushing, and maddening. But it is part of you, and you will have to learn to embrace it.
I think that you will have to struggle for meaning. The quest of religion is to imbue life with meaning, to make it something other than void. Meanings sometimes show themselves in either bold or the most subtle of ways. Other times, we have to create meaning for ourselves. It is too easy to give in, and give up, and to wallow in the utter purposeless-ness of it all. Do not go the easy road. The easy road will make you jaded, cranky, and a curmudgeon before you're middle-aged. The easy road does not make life beautiful.
You are living through a difficult period in your life, to be sure. However, I believe you know that at some point, YOU will have to make the decision to continue in this manner, or to change your conceptual framework. You will, at some point, realize that you need to choose laughter, optimism, catharsis, and beauty. No one can do this for you. No amount of Band-Aid compliments and pats on the back will settle you in a permanent state of loving yourself. Happiness and self-love will only be true, genuine, and lasting when they come from within you. You have to find the cup the overfloweth...
In conclusion, I love you. The meaning I am bestowing upon my life, my difficult years, and my mistakes is that I experienced all of it so that I could help you. Thank you.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
A Proverbial Journey
Day 1. October 21.
Proverbs 1-3
Proverbs 2: 1-6
My son, if you accept my words
And treasure my commandments;
If you make your ear attentive to wisdom
And your mind open to discernment;
If you call to understanding
And cry aloud to discernment,
If you seek it as you do silver
And search for it as for treasures,
Then you will understand the fear of the Lord
And attain knowledge of God.
For the Lord grants wisdom;
Knowledge and discernment are by His decree.
Proverbs 1-3
Proverbs 2: 1-6
My son, if you accept my words
And treasure my commandments;
If you make your ear attentive to wisdom
And your mind open to discernment;
If you call to understanding
And cry aloud to discernment,
If you seek it as you do silver
And search for it as for treasures,
Then you will understand the fear of the Lord
And attain knowledge of God.
For the Lord grants wisdom;
Knowledge and discernment are by His decree.
awake my soul........
"This grace gives me fear...
this grace draws me near...
and all I ask, it provides."
My memory may not serve correctly, but I just hummed those lines from the song "Awake My Soul" in my head as I booted up my computer to type.
I am unable to thoroughly ignore certain nagging issues:
1. (money, at present, a small concern, but in terms of my life, somewhat important)
2. my future
3. my calling
4. my passions
I spent the majority of my day fighting with the copier at St. John's, feverishly trying to finish all of the copies of the readings for the Children of Abraham class, which just started this evening. Around 1:30pm, against my better judgment, I decided to leave the church and rush back to Lexington to meet with Rabbi Kline. I didn't have the time and I was nervous about completing all my work at church; however, it is always in the moments when I am most doubtful and nervous that God speaks to me in unexpected and spontaneous ways. I had a feeling that my meeting with Rabbi Kline would calm and invigorate me, reminding me of the awe-ful quality of the divine spark. I was right.
I left my hour-long conversation with Rabbi Kline absolutely beaming...... I got to my car and wanted to weep from happiness. I don't know how or why it is, but I seem to be extraordinarily blessed with encounters with God-infused people. Perhaps I have just prayed "Your will be done" and "God, let me see you" with enough fervor that it actually happens. I don't know.
Rabbi Kline, like so many well-meaning Episcopalians and non-religious friends, asked me a few times during the conversation, "So, when are you getting ordained?" I laughed nervously. "Rabbi - not you too! Whenever I go to Mission House, I leave with hives because everyone asks - 'So, Allison..... discernment committee?' And I have to run away and hide!" He laughed, and like all the well-meaning Episcopalians, said, "At some point you may just have to accept what everyone else already knows to be true."
Is that it? Is that the source of all my worry? Will I find peace and solace when I finally just give in? Possibly...
But I also have what I think is a God-given conviction that I might not be called to ordination, or even to an Episcopal seminary. Where is God calling me? What does God want of me? I can't shake my intense and unstoppable love of Judaism, Islam, Morocco, children, dancing, music, Irish dance, my students, my students, my students............ I can't figure out how to live my life at peace, and happily, absent these things.
How can I possibly combine them all? And how can I remain true to my vocation to serve the church......... but be faithfully free enough to serve it outside of its walls? I have no freaking idea!
Tonight I received the unfortunate news that I would not be progressing in the Mitchell Scholarship competition. Strangely, when I read the email, a wave of relief ran over me. "This means something," I thought - and my mind rushed back to Rabbi Kline's office and the conversation we had had. I'm not meant to be in Ireland, at least not on the Mitchell Scholarship.
WHERE THE HELL DO I GO NOW?
The possibilities are endless, and I have no idea what God is calling me to do. The only focus I have it that it has something to do with religion. However, God and I will be doing some bargaining, because I refuse to give up dancing. I'll give up music, but I will not give up dancing and religion. I just can't.
this grace draws me near...
and all I ask, it provides."
My memory may not serve correctly, but I just hummed those lines from the song "Awake My Soul" in my head as I booted up my computer to type.
I am unable to thoroughly ignore certain nagging issues:
1. (money, at present, a small concern, but in terms of my life, somewhat important)
2. my future
3. my calling
4. my passions
I spent the majority of my day fighting with the copier at St. John's, feverishly trying to finish all of the copies of the readings for the Children of Abraham class, which just started this evening. Around 1:30pm, against my better judgment, I decided to leave the church and rush back to Lexington to meet with Rabbi Kline. I didn't have the time and I was nervous about completing all my work at church; however, it is always in the moments when I am most doubtful and nervous that God speaks to me in unexpected and spontaneous ways. I had a feeling that my meeting with Rabbi Kline would calm and invigorate me, reminding me of the awe-ful quality of the divine spark. I was right.
I left my hour-long conversation with Rabbi Kline absolutely beaming...... I got to my car and wanted to weep from happiness. I don't know how or why it is, but I seem to be extraordinarily blessed with encounters with God-infused people. Perhaps I have just prayed "Your will be done" and "God, let me see you" with enough fervor that it actually happens. I don't know.
Rabbi Kline, like so many well-meaning Episcopalians and non-religious friends, asked me a few times during the conversation, "So, when are you getting ordained?" I laughed nervously. "Rabbi - not you too! Whenever I go to Mission House, I leave with hives because everyone asks - 'So, Allison..... discernment committee?' And I have to run away and hide!" He laughed, and like all the well-meaning Episcopalians, said, "At some point you may just have to accept what everyone else already knows to be true."
Is that it? Is that the source of all my worry? Will I find peace and solace when I finally just give in? Possibly...
But I also have what I think is a God-given conviction that I might not be called to ordination, or even to an Episcopal seminary. Where is God calling me? What does God want of me? I can't shake my intense and unstoppable love of Judaism, Islam, Morocco, children, dancing, music, Irish dance, my students, my students, my students............ I can't figure out how to live my life at peace, and happily, absent these things.
How can I possibly combine them all? And how can I remain true to my vocation to serve the church......... but be faithfully free enough to serve it outside of its walls? I have no freaking idea!
Tonight I received the unfortunate news that I would not be progressing in the Mitchell Scholarship competition. Strangely, when I read the email, a wave of relief ran over me. "This means something," I thought - and my mind rushed back to Rabbi Kline's office and the conversation we had had. I'm not meant to be in Ireland, at least not on the Mitchell Scholarship.
WHERE THE HELL DO I GO NOW?
The possibilities are endless, and I have no idea what God is calling me to do. The only focus I have it that it has something to do with religion. However, God and I will be doing some bargaining, because I refuse to give up dancing. I'll give up music, but I will not give up dancing and religion. I just can't.
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