awake my soul........

"This grace gives me fear...
this grace draws me near...
and all I ask, it provides."

My memory may not serve correctly, but I just hummed those lines from the song "Awake My Soul" in my head as I booted up my computer to type.

I am unable to thoroughly ignore certain nagging issues:
1. (money, at present, a small concern, but in terms of my life, somewhat important)
2. my future
3. my calling
4. my passions

I spent the majority of my day fighting with the copier at St. John's, feverishly trying to finish all of the copies of the readings for the Children of Abraham class, which just started this evening. Around 1:30pm, against my better judgment, I decided to leave the church and rush back to Lexington to meet with Rabbi Kline. I didn't have the time and I was nervous about completing all my work at church; however, it is always in the moments when I am most doubtful and nervous that God speaks to me in unexpected and spontaneous ways. I had a feeling that my meeting with Rabbi Kline would calm and invigorate me, reminding me of the awe-ful quality of the divine spark. I was right.

I left my hour-long conversation with Rabbi Kline absolutely beaming...... I got to my car and wanted to weep from happiness. I don't know how or why it is, but I seem to be extraordinarily blessed with encounters with God-infused people. Perhaps I have just prayed "Your will be done" and "God, let me see you" with enough fervor that it actually happens. I don't know.

Rabbi Kline, like so many well-meaning Episcopalians and non-religious friends, asked me a few times during the conversation, "So, when are you getting ordained?" I laughed nervously. "Rabbi - not you too! Whenever I go to Mission House, I leave with hives because everyone asks - 'So, Allison..... discernment committee?' And I have to run away and hide!" He laughed, and like all the well-meaning Episcopalians, said, "At some point you may just have to accept what everyone else already knows to be true."

Is that it? Is that the source of all my worry? Will I find peace and solace when I finally just give in? Possibly...

But I also have what I think is a God-given conviction that I might not be called to ordination, or even to an Episcopal seminary. Where is God calling me? What does God want of me? I can't shake my intense and unstoppable love of Judaism, Islam, Morocco, children, dancing, music, Irish dance, my students, my students, my students............ I can't figure out how to live my life at peace, and happily, absent these things.

How can I possibly combine them all? And how can I remain true to my vocation to serve the church......... but be faithfully free enough to serve it outside of its walls? I have no freaking idea!

Tonight I received the unfortunate news that I would not be progressing in the Mitchell Scholarship competition. Strangely, when I read the email, a wave of relief ran over me. "This means something," I thought - and my mind rushed back to Rabbi Kline's office and the conversation we had had. I'm not meant to be in Ireland, at least not on the Mitchell Scholarship.


WHERE THE HELL DO I GO NOW?

The possibilities are endless, and I have no idea what God is calling me to do. The only focus I have it that it has something to do with religion. However, God and I will be doing some bargaining, because I refuse to give up dancing. I'll give up music, but I will not give up dancing and religion. I just can't.